Depth

My mood slid this week. When I'm depressed, I don't talk to anybody. Speech seems to be the first thing that's suppressed. However, I can write, and seem to even write better when my mood is in the toilet.

However, there are exceptions. Writing was hard last week. I struggled to get through a scene, and I felt it took a thorough panning at my writers' group. I was so tired I couldn't even defend the installment. Others present might not have seen it as too bad, but for me, considering what I tried to do, it was torture.

I know I haven't written here much. My attention has been focused more on completing a list of tasks. Like, I donated some junk that had been cluttering up my place and my storage cubical. I sold my car for a bag of beans and a can of cat foot. With a partially blown engine, the car wouldn't sell for more than $100. I have to admit parting with it felt like a real step down. My hand shook so much I couldn't get the key off the ring.

Those are the kinds of things I've been doing. However, between those and writing, I've been neglecting physical activity, and I spend ninety-seven percent of my time alone. I don't have a psychiatrist or counselor right now, because the community mental health center I go to is between interns. They get rid of them every year and it takes 2-3 months to get any in. So, when I'm down, there's really not much support. And I'm having just as much trouble socially as I ever did. That part does depress me because it has never actually gotten better. There was a time that I tried harder, though, and regretted it.  

So, I'm taking a break. I'd call it a vacation, but I'm not vacating anywhere. I'm replacing writing with exercise for a week, and for another week (if I can stand it) I'll probably be playing Civ, since that seems to raise my mood.

So, I'll come back to writing fiction two weeks.