Now this more like it!

Finally, life is perfect! I have my own private place. Everything, so far, is where I need it to be, and the things I haven't got yet will soon be where I need them too. Now, I can get up and start writing immediately and continue for as long as I want, as long as I need to.

My parent's house was noisy, messy, and in chaos constantly. What's more, there was nothing I could do about any of it. At least not while I was there and on edge. I couldn't sleep. Turning to writing, I did the best I could there. I'm not knocking my family here. My life had collapsed. I had fallen into a serious depression. If it weren't for them, I would have been homeless, and obviously, my conditions would have been far worse then.

However, I also remember going to friend's houses in college and feeling unnerved at things being so quiet and orderly.  The beds were made, the children behaved, belongings put away, things were clean, and everything was quiet. I was disturbed that the television did not compete with the stereo, and that records (vinyl remember) were not scratched up. None of that existed where I lived. In an odd way, I was judgmental of it existing at their houses, thinking that it showed a conformity or lack of life.  That might be true in other ways, but no, what I experienced growing up was not the joy of living nor nonconformity.I wasn't envious of my friends' homes. The silence alone disturbed me. A horrible sound of silence.

When you have a psychotic mother (and I'm talking about in the clinical sense if you're tuning in now), an aloof, detached father, and a brother with a serious, rare, birth defect that causes him to get loud and destructive, things can get pretty disorderly.  When you're also the youngest kid in your class, (a Leo) and sometimes kids in the previous grade can bully up on you, then you need to escape, mentally, and escape all the time. But then what if you're psychotic mother doesn't allow that? What if the kids in school won't leave you alone?

I knew in junior year of high school what I know now: I can't last alone. Yes, it's required for the writing, but even Asperger's people don't actually like being alone day after day their whole lives; they just can't solve the problems that being social throws at all of us.