The not-myself shadow

Thanks to the inaction of a community clinic in re-authorizing my prescriptions, I've now been out of a key medication (Levothyroxin) since Tuesday last week. I thought it would arrive by Friday, but it didn't. I would have gotten a bridge script, but I really didn't envision the length of this delay.



Here's what I've been noticing reading back on posts on other boards. Grouchiness, and memory loss about being grouchy. It sounds like I'm covering my ass or something, but I honestly and selectively can't remember. And there was this camouflage feeling that I had said the right thing for the situation. Then somebody pointed out that I was using profanity. I remembered using a little. When I looked, I used a lot. And not just for turns of phrase like I thought. I used them to insult people. It turned me into a troll. I can't say how sorry I am to those people nor how much this creeps me out. 

Hypothyroidism causes memory loss. It causes mood swings. Why it would cause such specific memory loss, and an apparent shift in personality, and/or fugue state, I don't know. Previously, I didn't think Levothyroxin to be an important drug to my mental health regimen, but now I can see it's maybe more important than all the others.

I do remember other incidents that remind me of this. Roommates who'd tell me I was grouchy or even mean, and couldn't recall, or the memory carried a mood that didn't draw my attention. Not remembering doesn't totally describe it. I usually could remember something with varying degrees of difficulty and after being reminded of the whole situation. Then I'd wonder why I said it and how I could have lost control. My sister was pissed at me once for something I said during an argument a month or two before. I was puzzled because she had to prod around my memory incident, which hadn't seemed significant to me at all. Then suddenly, it came back to me. 

Now that I think of it, my mother had hypothyroidism, too. It does explain some of her behavior and memory lapses afterward.

I'm depressed right now due to the medication problem, but I can tell myself it isn't real, and to not make any life-changing decisions until I've been on my medication again. Question now is whether I should even wait until tomorrow to try to score some. I could try getting a "bridge script" again, just in case the meds don't arrive. The clinic is just around the corner. That seems a little far away in my state of mind, but at the rate this is going, I might have to write off the whole week if I don't score any by then. It would probably take a while for it to take effect; I've never have given too much note to Levothyroxin, so I don't know.

Sometimes mishaps like this are better in the long run. 

I'm going back to sleep. I'll see how I feel in the late morning.